Cat swap plus

My friend Matt has this amazing idea for an app. I think you’re going to like it. We haven’t exactly figured out how it works yet, but that doesn’t matter. The point is that this is going to help a lot of people, and we are going to get rich.

The problem

Browsing your Facebook timeline you are inundated with the same kinds of photos that you’re sick of seeing, over and over: your friends’ smug accomplishments, their in-your-face celebrations, their annoying kids.

The solution

You set the types of events or subjects that annoy you the most. Any time one of these offensive images shows up in your timeline, BOOM! It’s immediately replaced with a random image of a cat!

Imagine this:

  • Friends did an “edgy” engagement photo-shoot? No thanks. Here’s some cats.
  • Endless stream of wedding/honeymoon/vacation photos? Nope, cats.
  • New baby? Cats.
  • Picture of their cat? No, picture of your cat!

I think you get the idea. Basically, it works just like an ad-blocker, except that it’s a cat-swapper. Genius, right? Matt’s a Thought Leader. Of course, he would prefer that all the pictures be of his cat, Obi-wan. Maybe that’s user-configurable; we’re still working out the details.

That explains Cat-Swap. Why plus?

Great question! I’m glad you asked, because I’m really excited about this part.

I’m thinking we put in a button, superimposed over each cat-swapped picture. Not obstructive or anything, just neatly tucked away in the bottom right corner.

Anyway, this button is labelled “Freedom”, and when you click/tap it, your Facebook account is instantly and irrevocably deleted, without confirmation.

Me-OW!

Goodbye

I quit Twitter. It’s a broken door, one that I’ve given up trying to fix.

I tried to make it work. I tried following a bunch of interesting folks. I tried unfollowing everyone but a select few. I tried lists, mutes, muffles, and blocks.

But no matter what I’ve tried, it’s just Jeep ads and harassment, outrage and snarky jokes, all the way down. Yes, I realize that roughly 65% of my personality is snarky joke. But you can only take so much, and I can barely stand myself. I don’t know what I was looking for when I originally signed up in 2009, but this isn’t it.

No, I’m not planning to replace it with Slack. I tried that, too. Not interested. They’re trying to fix a problem I don’t have by creating a problem I don’t want. Plus, they’re like one more round of VC funding away from fucking it all up.

I quit Facebook years ago, a decision I could not be happier with.

People tell me Snapchat isn’t for sending dick pics. If that’s true, I don’t understand Snapchat. Either way, no thanks.

So for now, the only social network I’m subscribed to is Instagram.

Update: I quit Instagram.

So now I’m like some kind of digital hermit. I’m reading emails and checking RSS like its 1999. If you want to get in touch, email me. If you have my number, send me a text or iMessage or whatever. If you try to FaceTime me, I’ll set your car on fire. And for fucksakes, DO NOT call me, unless someone I know is dead.